Anger and Bitterness

I tend to stubbornness.  God is working on me.  I've been hanging on to anger and bitterness for almost 2 years.  He's saying it's time to let it go.  I can't move forward with it.  I can't have true hope in Him with it.

God, I release this anger and bitterness that I have been carrying.  I give it to you.  I ask for your forgiveness for carrying it.  I thank you for redemption.  In Jesus name, Amen.

Christmas was good. The kids got what they wanted for Christmas. Between gifts from "Santa" (via the angel tree), mom (me), and aunts and uncles, they were happy. I'm glad. I was really afraid that they would actually be without for a while.

Our family (my mom and her husband, my three sisters, one of my two brothers, and two spouses) were together for Christmas. It was good. We spent alot of time playing cards and talking.

And for the big Christmas present? I've been talking about it for months. I've been dreaming about it for longer.... Huh, what are you talking about?

A new home!!!

I signed a lease today on the new place. And got a key. Tomorrow, a friend, R, is coming to help me get packed and start moving stuff. K is going to go with me to pick up my new bed, dresser, and nightstand that I was given.

I'm dreading telling the landlord as I'm sure he will notice we're packing and want to know why I didn't give him notice. But I absolutely do not want anything to do with him at this point after the year we've had where we are. From the front door that will not seal completely to the broken window that has been broken for two years to the fact the trailer is not level and has not been level since a tree hit the back of it during Ivan, to the guy he was renting to who was breaking in our house stealing our food and stuff that he wouldn't press charges against. (I'm thinking I might have a forgiveness issue to deal with)

Anyway, we are moving. New carpet, new windows, new appliances and all that. We will have fish instead of cats. Talia is content with that. Skif wants a dog but understands we need to wait a bit. I'll be happy not to be feeding an entire neighborhood of cats! 20 pounds of cat food every couple weeks is alot (and expensive)!

I am so grateful for a new place. We are going to pray over it and anoint it before moving in as well. I've got to take over a cd player and start playing music as well.

Guess I should get some sleep so I can get up early and pack. Say a prayer for us!

revelation and failure

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about Thanksgiving and people from the past.

Yesterday morning, I was sitting thinking about my testimony when suddenly I realized...

Did anyone know I was married when I was stationed in Pensacola the first time? Did my behavior reflect I was married? Or was I too worried about being popular, drinking and hanging out to act married?

Yes, the latter would be the correct answer. For the first time in my life, I was somebody (in my own mind). I had male friends who actually wanted my company. And I, theirs.

I was pretty after having been the ugly duckling the whole time I was in high school. I can look back now at the pictures from school and see that I wasn't ugly but back then, the words had much more power than they do now.

My husband at the time was stationed in Orlando. I think we saw each other 3 times after we married. We never did live together and I think the thing that hurt the most was having extra money in my check and wanting to go see him. He on the other hand was too busy for me. The only thing he wanted was $150 a month to help pay his car payment that he had been paying before he met me.

It sort of warped my behavior even further. I became much more the party animal. I began dating. Of course, now, looking back those were affairs. And in my mind that far back, I had done nothing wrong.

My divorce was filed for in August of that year and not final until February of the next year.

I am amazed that it took me 24 years to realize just how screwed up my perspective of marriage and life was.

God took a small window of reflection to give me a revelation. I can only at this point pray for forgiveness from God and take it for a lesson learned.

Somehow, the song "Stand in the Rain" by Superchic(k) is so appropriate. I am so afraid to slow down that the past will come rushing up and call to account all the things I've done or that my thoughts will take me to ground I'm not ready to cover yet... or rather uncover.

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why
but she knows that
When she’s all alone
it feels like its all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows grow long
and she fears
If she cries that first tear
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
if she stands she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

I too know the feeling that if I start crying, the tears may never cease. Sometimes, I can feel them and it's a battle to keep them back.

Why? Talia and Skif. Control. The fear of falling apart and being unfit.

Then other days... I wake up singing...

You stood before creation
Eternity in Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart
O God Completely to You

I walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One
who gave it all

So I'll stand my soul
Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Because I know that His sacrifice and His forgiveness is so much bigger than anything I've done. All I must do is let it go and give it to Him.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

It's a process. I'm walking it out and it's tough.