Sunday, November 05, 2006

revelation and failure

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about Thanksgiving and people from the past.

Yesterday morning, I was sitting thinking about my testimony when suddenly I realized...

Did anyone know I was married when I was stationed in Pensacola the first time? Did my behavior reflect I was married? Or was I too worried about being popular, drinking and hanging out to act married?

Yes, the latter would be the correct answer. For the first time in my life, I was somebody (in my own mind). I had male friends who actually wanted my company. And I, theirs.

I was pretty after having been the ugly duckling the whole time I was in high school. I can look back now at the pictures from school and see that I wasn't ugly but back then, the words had much more power than they do now.

My husband at the time was stationed in Orlando. I think we saw each other 3 times after we married. We never did live together and I think the thing that hurt the most was having extra money in my check and wanting to go see him. He on the other hand was too busy for me. The only thing he wanted was $150 a month to help pay his car payment that he had been paying before he met me.

It sort of warped my behavior even further. I became much more the party animal. I began dating. Of course, now, looking back those were affairs. And in my mind that far back, I had done nothing wrong.

My divorce was filed for in August of that year and not final until February of the next year.

I am amazed that it took me 24 years to realize just how screwed up my perspective of marriage and life was.

God took a small window of reflection to give me a revelation. I can only at this point pray for forgiveness from God and take it for a lesson learned.

Somehow, the song "Stand in the Rain" by Superchic(k) is so appropriate. I am so afraid to slow down that the past will come rushing up and call to account all the things I've done or that my thoughts will take me to ground I'm not ready to cover yet... or rather uncover.

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why
but she knows that
When she’s all alone
it feels like its all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows grow long
and she fears
If she cries that first tear
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
if she stands she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

I too know the feeling that if I start crying, the tears may never cease. Sometimes, I can feel them and it's a battle to keep them back.

Why? Talia and Skif. Control. The fear of falling apart and being unfit.

Then other days... I wake up singing...

You stood before creation
Eternity in Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart
O God Completely to You

I walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One
who gave it all

So I'll stand my soul
Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Because I know that His sacrifice and His forgiveness is so much bigger than anything I've done. All I must do is let it go and give it to Him.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

It's a process. I'm walking it out and it's tough.

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