Sunday, February 25, 2007

cars & toothpaste

It's been a week. A very long week.

Monday, my eyes hurt so bad it felt like my eyeballs were going to explode.

Wednesday seemed like the longest day on earth.

Thursday night as I was headed to Walmart, I saw a white 'vette while I was waiting in the turn lane at a light. As the couple went through the light, the 'vette died. I waited for the light, pulled a u-turn to go back and see if I could help. They said no, they were out to test drive it when it died. All I wanted to do was cry and I have no idea why.

Friday, a dear man who goes to our church lost his battle with cancer. He battled so long and so hard. Our athletic field is named after him. His service and burial are tomorrow.

Saturday, my van was nearly repossessed. I was behind on payments and I reacted the way I normally do. If I don't know what to say or do, I do nothing. It came to a head Saturday morning. We cleaned the van completely out because I didn't think I'd have it when I got back from the place I bought it. The gentleman was really nice and I told him that I didn't call because I had no idea what to say or do. I gave him nearly everything I had left in my account and I'll go see him the next three paydays and finish paying it off. All the way there I prayed. I called a friend to have her pray as well. Nothing but the grace of God and the mercy of the owner. Thank you Lord!

Today, I came back into the bookstore and there was a tube of toothpaste (new) sitting on my counter. I remember thinking "I brush my teeth and I'm watching the words I speak, surely this must be someone else's?" Right before I left, a lady came in and said God had told her a while back to give it to me. She said she finally got around to it. As I left today, I was praying God, what is this?

A little while ago, my brother Keith came in and we were talking. I told him about the car, my eyes, the toothpaste. He said "you're being squeezed. What's coming out?" He went on..."How am I reacting to the things that God is pulling out of me? Things like the payment on the van? The head in the sand attitude that isn't helping?" And then he asked who was praying over me. No one that I know specifically. I call occasionally to Andrea or Nancy to pray but no one that I know consistently. Before he left to go to his class, he prayed over me. And all I wanted to do was cry. Still do.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Squirrels and birds...
This morning when I went out to throw birdseed for the birds, I encountered a little squirrel enjoying the remnants of yesterday's birdie breakfast.

Now I'm trying to decide if I want to feed the little birds and the lil squirrels. I need to look up and find out how to feed the squirrels without them becoming a nuisance. I'm considering buying corn and making a little holder with nails to put the corn cobs on.

As for bellas, I'm still waiting on Flowahbella and SistahoodBellas to arrive. The cards on SCS are just too cute and the thread in the forums about bellas just keeps getting longer and longer. I've been reading it on and off for three days and still haven't gotten to the end of it. What's up with that? LOL

Oh yeah... I totally missed making a post this weekend. My sister and her husband came down on Saturday to visit their son who is stationed at Corry and stayed with the kids and I until Monday evening. This is the first time she's come down for more than an hour visit since 2001. Normally, we meet at my other sister's house in lower Alabama. That sister also came to visit on Sunday and Monday (she went home on Sunday night). We played cards and sat around and talked. I took 2 ½ hours off on Monday, checked the kids out of school early and joined them in their wanderings.

I can't wait for worship this evening. I've been listening to Matt and Gabe from the last Night of Worship. It's good. Very good. Now if only I could figure out why it errors out at the end rather than repeating the entire cd I'll be set!

And do you ever feel like you've frightened someone? I think I freaked out my friend in Jax. I think he thinks I'm rather weird about God. You know, God has changed my life. Totally. My mouth has been cleaned up, my taste in music has changed (I can't believe I listened to some of the music I used to listen to in the 80's!), I'm more encouraging to those around me and a lot less negative, definitely a lot less depressed! (Read H E A L E D!!!)

Anyway... I'm off for now. I'll have to get in this blog soon and add a couple pics from the actually blogger page and add my tags as well. Later.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Easter Egging....
I first heard the term in 1982 used in reference to trouble shooting R-390's. R-390's had electron tubes and when trouble shooting, people would often just get a handful of the appropriate tubes and swap them out one at a time. If it didn't work after swapping out tube "A" replace the original tube "A" and try replacing tube "B" and so on until you find the tube that needed replaced.

This is how I feel a lot of people go about in their dating. When you get tired of "A" or have a disagreement that you don't think is worth resolving, let's give "B" a try. If "B" doesn't work out, let's see how we get along with "C."

And so, we go through our lives looking for the "perfect" fit. Our divorce rates are at the highest ever because it's so easy to divorce and not try, to give up, to find someone new.

In case you wonder, I speak from experience...

In Feb 1982 at 18, I married Steve. Against my Daddy's wishes and with little knowledge of what a marriage required. We knew each other less than 3 months. After nearly a month together on leave (vacation in the military), I moved to Pensacola and he remained in Orlando. We rarely saw each other. After a while, I wanted to have someone around and I'm pretty sure he wanted the same. I began dating in Pensacola and I fairly certain he did the same in Orlando. In August of the same year, my Daddy filed the divorce papers for me. The divorce became final in February 83.

I continued to date until I met Mike in early 85. We married in May 85 and transferred to Guam where he was assigned to a ship and I to shore duty. He spent a great deal of time at sea. Enough time that on his visit to Australia he met a woman there. As for how I know, letters and hotel bills are not things you should bring home with you if you want to stay married. I felt like I had been given a get out of jail free card. I told him I wanted a divorce and we separated. I started dating again. The divorce was final in January 87.

In June 88, I met the kid's dad. We lived together for almost 2 years before we married in May 90. In December 90, I transferred to Japan. He followed in February 91.

Most of the time, it was good. As long as we were drinking and partying, playing games (cribbage, cards, yahtzee), things were good. We did have a lot of good times together. It wasn't all bad.

But when conflict came along, I clammed up. I'm a fight or flight kind of person. Passive aggressive in the long run. For the most part, I would hold my anger. I'll hold it until weeks or even months later, it all came boiling out. By that time, it was never pretty.

Marriages need to be built on trust, friendship, love, having something in common. When they are built on drinking, having fun, sex, etc, they tend to fall apart after a while if nothing else ever comes into the picture.

Time spent together helps build relationships. Ours? In the first 8 years of marriage, he spent three-quarters of it at sea. How we ever managed to have children is beyond me sometimes. He'd come back from sea and we'd have to start all over again it seemed. Me to get used to him being home again and not being "in charge" and "mom and dad." Him back to "responsibility" of husband and father again. It was as hard for me to let go as for him to take up the reins again.

After a while, it got old. He'd be drinking, whether to forget or to party, it was all the same by then. Me? I'd find a book, party, spend money. The spending money part always added to the fray.

Letting go and allowing someone else to help wasn't an option. I didn't know how and I don't think he did either. Counseling didn't help. You have to be willing to admit there was a problem in the first place. I knew there was a problem, I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We moved to England in June of 99. For the first time in my life I felt isolated. No friends, no transportation, two children at home who I had no idea of what to do with. I felt I was losing myself to the insanity. I slipped into depression and then bi-polar/manic depression.

I thought I could hold it together. I tried to hold it together. You can't do it by yourself. And slowly, it finished slipping away.

I gave up. I told him I wanted to leave. I told him I was taking the children with me. And we left. February 27th, 2000, the kids and I got on a plane back to the states.

I didn't look back. I was through. There had to be more than what I was living.

I can't say that it's been better all the time. In fact, things were hard a lot of the time. Things were different and strange. The divorce was final in December 2004. Just the kids and I.

As I let God come in, He has changed me, transformed me, taken me to a place I didn't know I had in me. I no longer have to be dating someone or married to someone to be complete. He is my provider. He is my strength. He has been my comfort. He brought us to a place where we are loved for who we are, not for what we can do for someone else.

He is taking me, us to a new place. And one day, He will send the right man, to be a husband, a father. Not necessarily when I feel the time is right but when He says it's right. Until that time, we are ok and that's good enough for me.

I'm through easter egging.

Edited: I attempted to email this post yesterday but it did not show up. I'm adding it with the appropriate time on it.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Nothing quite like posting your telephone number is there? DUH!

Monday, February 12, 2007


I again attempted to contact Gulf Power concerning my bill.  I have been transferred into voice response system hell.
My email to Gulf Power:
"I do not have a current account number as I was transferring my account during the month of January and it was not completed due to MY failure to bring in a copy of the lease. 
However when I called today and attempted to get in contact with someone, I had to use your NEW voice response system. 
Since I did not have an account number, it wants me to IN PUBLIC give my social security number.
This aggravates me to no end.  I now need to drive to the office to take care of the paperwork in hopes that my power is still on and I won't be charged a service fee to reinstate service.  I truly forgot to take in a copy of the lease and my landlord gave me a copy yesterday. 
It's pretty bad when I'd rather have to go through the menu option and press buttons to get to speak to someone.  *sigh*
Onto other things....
Our washer and dryer works wonderfully.  Getting clothes dried the first time through is a novel approach to laundry!  LOL
My tax refund came in.  Chaz bought a Nintendo Wii.  Breezy got a digital camera.  Both are the bomdiggity!  I liked Breezy's so much, I bought the same camera. 
Chaz and Breezy went to WinterJam on Saturday.  They had a blast.  Breezy took tons of pictures.  She got great pictures of the lead singer of Hawk Nelson who she thinks is the best.
I, on the other hand, chose to stay home this year.  My intent was to visit the local flea markets/thrift stores to see what I could find.  After the first one though, I decided I needed a haircut.  Made a quick call to the lady who usually cuts my hair and she could get me in.
By the time I left, I had a new hair cut and hair color!  She mixed the loveliest shade of golden/red.  It's gorgeous!  I feel like a new person when I look in the mirror!  I may have to take a pic and let ya see too.
Saturday night was the singles get together.  We played Apples to Apples.  What a great game.  It's meant for up to 10 players, but we played with 21.  We made teams of 2 (and one team of 3) to play.  The interaction was amazing.  Best get together in forever for us.
I also volunteered to host a movie night sometime in the next month or so.
Anyway, nuff for now. 

Friday, February 02, 2007

tws, stuff..

TWS is the bom-diggity. I have managed to catch up with people I thought long lost. Way long lost. The oldest recontact has been with someone I hung out with in 1982. The most recent was someone I was stationed with right before I retired. And then there are the ones in between.

You know those ones. Well, maybe you don't. In my case, it's the one I dated in 84 then split with, we both married other people and transferred to the same place. We both divorced and dated again. We split again and transferred to different places. Only to discover in 90, that we were getting married on the same day at the same time (different time zones) to other people. And while my marriage has fallen apart, his is still going well. Amazing huh?

I've caught back up with YW who was one of the only Christians I knew the entire time I was in the military. I can count "those people" on one hand that I was consciously aware of. But those few people were all at my last command and their behavior and actions spoke volumes. Volumes.

I also realized over the last few weeks how God has protected me from my own stupidity quite often. The things I've flirted with in my life, alcoholism, relationships, the occult. Duh!

I'm grateful for the redeeming grace! Yah!