evaluating...

This morning I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach. As I sent a small prayer heavenward, I had to stop and think "what is my ulterior motive if I say no to being in my friend's wedding?"

I was surprised to have been asked to be in her wedding in the first place. I consider us friends but didn't realize that she considered me close enough to be a bridesmaid.

All this time, I've been listening to the wedding plans and trying to figure out where all the money I'll need will be coming from. The $170 for the dress and then I'll need the associated undergarments because nothing I own will work with the dress. The fittings. The dress I'll need for the rehearsal dinner/masquerade party the night before. The hotel for a couple days. And the expenses keep piling up. And then, where do I leave the kids? Is it right to bail on them the weekend school gets out? The tattoo thing is also bothering me.

So is the tattoo thing just finally putting it all into perspective? Was this just the last straw on the camels back of trying to figure out how I do this?

I'm not currently rolling in dough. I know I'm in the job God wants me in right now. I feel that was confirmed again last week.

And to add salt to the wound, my son last night asked me why I didn't get him both things he wanted for Christmas. He's not normally greedy about things so the question caught me off-guard. I asked him if he realized that I had spent "x" amount of money on both he and his sister? It got under my skin bad enough that I couldn't speak for a while. Finally I told him that he had money coming from his Dad and with that money he could buy the other gift he wanted. I told him I was sorry I used the money up front on bills and Christmas. He apologized later on but it made me feel about that big.

Ever feel like your failing left and right? Today and yesterday would be that day.

God I know you are there. I need the right words to say to my friend when I tell her I can't be in her wedding and that she will recieve them in the right way. And God, send the right person along to help the kids and I. I usually just laugh off this "man" thing. But God, we've been alone for 8 years now. Well, alone without a physical husband/father in the house. I know You are the Great I Am, the Great Physician, the Comforter, Healer, Provider. I know things are in Your timing. And for the most part, I'm pretty content. But this has been a rough week already and we're only a week into the new year. Is this a year of "no?" I've already said "no" to the job offer that while it was flattering, I knew wasn't to be. And now to say "no" to being in a friend's wedding. Sometimes I just want a little more light on the path... wherever it's going. Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?