Pondering...

I'm been thinking on the things I'd like to accomplish in 2010. Not resolutions. Resolutions are broken so often. I'm talking about goals. I have several on my mind right now.

First, I want to get into college. I did the financial aid paperwork online a couple weeks ago. I prepared my application for the local university but have not submitted it yet. There are so many questions I have and until today I didn't really know where to go. I'm going to go the university this week and see an adviser about where to start.

Second, photography. I want to continue taking hundreds of pictures. Pictures of cats and trees, birds and window frames, adults and children, whatever comes my way that looks interesting. I'd like to be paid for the time I spend taking pictures. I often feel the pictures I take aren't good enough but lately, I'm happier with what I see.

The third goes along with the second. I wish to be fluent in PhotoShop and PhotoShop Elements. All the geeky little add-ons, filters, patterns, brushes, layers, those I want to use with an artistic eye.

Fourth, is to continue something I started this year but lost focus on. I want to continue to lose weight. I need to do this for my health, for my children, and for our future. I can do this. God is bigger than what I see here. He's bigger than this addiction to food I've had for most of my life. I can do this with his help.

Which leads to the Fifth. I want to run a 5K in 2010. Run. Not walk. No set date. Just in 2010. I've walked many 5K's in the past (mostly 1990's). It's time.

Sixth, I wish to be a better influence for my children. Is all that I do helping them? Am I walking the walk or just talking the talk? In order to lead my household by example, I have to be on the right page. Not the easy page. I've spent too many years on the easy page.

Seventh, HTML/CSS. I wanna remember HTML and learn CSS. It's time to build web pages again. Or at least my own blog layout.

Lastly, but definitely not last, where do I stand when it comes to God? There are days I feel so far away. This was a year of changes for us as a family and for me personally with God. I stayed angry most of the year at God and not particularly happy with my church family. The move we made in September to a different campus did wonders for my attitude and my growth. But I want to grow closer to God. Quiet time and devotion time have to be included in my schedule to make this happen. I have time for everything else. Why do I have so much difficulty putting time for God in there?

Friends

I remember when I used to post several times a day every day. Of course, I was bi-polar/maniac depressive and angry at everyone and everything.

I was thinking about those first 2 years of blog entries yesterday as I was talking to my nurse. I can't even read those first two years worth of entries now. They are permeated with hate and anger at my ex and the world. Profanity abounded.

I am so grateful that God has cleaned up my mouth and changed the song in my heart. You realize how much you have changed when you get hurt. You go from saying "#@$%^ @##$" to saying "poop" or something else slightly less offensive. Yes, that's what I said when I hit the metal medication cart in my office. "Poop!" I actually cut my elbow and had to have help to get the coban around it to wrap it. The kids got a laugh out of it.

Chaz and Breezy are going to watch the Bama/Gator game today. Chaz is going to one household and Breezy will probably watch it with me.

I have through Facebook recently gotten in touch with a friend from Japan. She and I went through base indoctrination at Atsugi together. We hung out every day until the hubby got to Japan and then only hung out a couple times a month. She was such a great friend. She came to visit us while we lived in San Diego and then we lost contact. We have had some marvelous conversations catching up. Somehow, someway, the kids and I are going to go up and see her in Washington State. The kids will probably go visit their grandma while we are there.

Time to get around. I have got to clean the kitchen and put away some boxes so we can put up the Christmas tree. (All the shopping for the kids was done from a comfortable chair using the internet.)

Later.

whew, long time

I know, I know. it's been a while. A long while.

Much has happened. School is out. I spent the last week of the school year in the hospital. Um yup.

I've been having really bad headaches for months. Little numbness in my hands every now and again. The last Monday in May, I tried to give blood but my blood pressure was 152/104. To say the least they wouldn't let me give. So I went ahead with the kids and went to the movies.

On Tuesday, I didn't feel right so I let my supervisor know and went to the emergency room. My B/P was 152/98 when I got there. I was having that pins and needle feeling in my left arm. The doctor had me put on a heart monitor and hooked to an iv for fluids. They pulled some blood. He seemed to think it was just my B/P until they got the blood test results back. Everything was normal except I had troponin in my blood. Troponin is only supposed to be in your blood if you have had a heart attack or are going to have a heart attack. So they admitted me to the hospital. The next day, I had a echocardiogram and a stress test. Both turned out normal and later that day they released me with no answer about the troponin levels.

On Thursday, I was getting ready for work when I had an intense pain across the center of my back. I thought geez, I really slept well to cause this much pain in my back. But the pain started getting worse, and then I started thinking women present for heart attacks in their back. I'm pretty sure I panicked because then I started feeling tightness in the chest. I dropped Chaz at school and called a friend to come and pick up Breezy from the hospital.

By the time I got to the ER, my B/P was 198/100. They pulled some blood again, started a heart monitor and iv. Again, there was troponin in my blood but everything else looked ok. I explained what was going on and they decided to send me to a local hospital via ambulance.

Off to the hospital I go. Thank goodness they don't run sirens when they transport someone like that. whew! Within 30 minutes of arriving at the hospital, the cardiologist on call had me in for a heart catheterization. Everything normal. He scheduled me for a CT scan at 5 a.m. the next morning. They slapped nitro patches on me and kept me on the heart monitor all night. Put me on blood pressure medications.

The next morning, the tech came in to take me for the CT scan. I was back in my room by 6. Then I waited. And waited and waited. The doctor never did show up. When I asked about him, I was told he hadn't made rounds of the floor yet. By the time they paged him and he returned the page, he was over 40 miles from Pensacola. He told them to release me, my tests were fine. Excuse me? Did I miss something? To say the least I was pissed.

A friend called someone at the hospital who worked there and she came to see me. They paged the doctor again. He finally called back and said he had the ER doctor write me a prescription for the blood pressure medications and that when he came to see me I was having a test done. Don't even get me started on that comment. I left the hospital over 12 hours after the CT scan with two prescriptions for the blood pressure medications. As I was being discharged, the nurse told me that my troponin levels were normal and had been since just after I arrived at the hospital the day before. Do you think maybe someone should have told me earlier?

I am grateful to God that I am ok. I'm 45 years old and now know that both my heart and lungs are in good condition. I am slowly losing weight (4 pounds already). I'm eatting better. Moving more. I thank God that I will be around for my children.

Last week, I went to a funeral for a friend's nephew. He was under 20 and had committed suicide. Wow! My heart goes out to the family for the unanswered questions left by his death. It was a tough funeral to attend. It was also the first funeral Chaz and Breezy have been to.

After the funeral, I called the kids dad to again encourage him to stay in contact with them. Let him know that they both have Facebook accounts with dozens of pictures. He told me they had trouble connecting to Facebook. (Only people I know with that particular problem.)

They have both had cell phones for 22 months and in all that time he has called 3 times total. I received an email the next day saying not to contact him any longer and if the kids wanted to talk to him that they could call.

How could you not want to keep contact with two of the most amazing kids ever? That's not just my opinion as a Mom. That is the report of everyone who works with them, mentors them, loves them. Amazing children. And I'm angry all over again at him.

So, I'm preparing a draft message to respond to him with. I'll save it. One of these days, I'll need it when they start asking questions. A friend is reviewing it with me to make sure I don't let my emotions override what needs to be said.

I also talked to that friend about what would happen if something happened to me. She told me that she and her husband had already discussed it. They would like the kids to come live with them. I talked to it with Breezy a little bit. She is good with that idea. I've not talked to Chaz about it. After we discuss it, I will be having my will prepared and select the executor of the estate.

Other than that, the last month and a half haven't been bad. I've taken a lot of pictures. I recently figured out how many I have posted on Facebook. Over 2000. One day I'd love to own a DSLR camera (with an autofocus mode too) to take better pictures. My daddy was a photographer on the side. He took beautiful pictures. My mother is a great photographer as well. This apple didn't fall too far from the tree. I'd love to take professional portrait photos, landscape, animals, whatever. Just let me take some pictures.



Saw Joshua Stevens, Steven Cochran and John Michael Montgomery in concert at the base with my sister. Incredible concert. Steven Cochran has quite the testimony. A tour in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was injured in Afghanistan and he said he woke up a month later at Bethesda. He said he was told he would never walk again. He's walking and talking and singing. God is good.

Ah, but Eli Stone was on last night. We watched. I still can't believe ABC canceled it. I'll be sending them another email. It was great!

Chaz and Breezy will be attending a youth conference at the church on Monday and Tuesday. Then Wednesday - Saturday they will be at a worship conference. They are pretty excited about it.

Today, they are spending time with friends out on the water. I thank God for the incredible mentors he has placed in their lives. People who care and show that they care.

I miss you Daddy.

catching up....

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Couple things I had forgotten to post.

1. I've been saved 5 years today. God chose me first. I didn't chose him first. I have been reminded of this in the last couple weeks and it's true. While I know I have grown in my walk with God, I still feel I am missing alot. There are things I could do to help grow more but I let time slip through my fingers way too often. Thank you God for your mercy and grace.

2. I paid off my van last Saturday. Yes, the van that was nearly repossessed in February. Got the title. Thank you Lord.

3. Breezy and Chaz will be flying to WA/OR to see their Dad and his side of the family in a couple weeks and will be gone for 27 days. In 2001, they saw their Dad in England for a month. In 2002, they stayed with my sister for two weeks. Since then, the longest I have gone without seeing them has 3 days for Night of Joy at Disney and 2 days for ATF. They spend the night with friends regularly but that's not the same. This is a major step for me. Letting them go this time is hard. They are older. They will have access to stuff I know they shouldn't be seeing or partaking of. Prayer. A lot of it. Breezy and Chaz have been praying about visiting with their Dad for years. I know because a friend of mine who works with children and youth ministry has heard their prayer requests.

4. School gets out on Thursday. I'll be out for the last week of May and go back to work on the 4th of June. I'll be running a clinic for summer school.

5. There is a teacher at the school who I think is flirting with me. You know it's been a while since I've been out or flirted that I don't realize it until I walk away and think about it for 10-15 minutes. Duh. Flirting used to be a huge part of my life before I met the kid's Dad. After we separated in 2000, it became part of my life again. In 2002, I stopped flirting. Every now and then I catch myself and think man, what are you doing?

6. I get my glasses this week! YAHOO! I'll be able to read without fighting to focus!

7. I went to the beach yesterday for the first time in years (other than church picnics). I'm not particularly fond of sand but it was nice out and the kids wanted to go. They were with the "other Deb" and she called to say she'd take them. I ended up meeting them at the base. I got some great pictures of Breezy, a few of Chaz, and some super pics of the base lighthouse. You know, the one that they no longer do tours of? I'm glad we climbed it years ago.

8. Last but not least, se are praying for a friend at our church. The prognosis is not good. We are believing for a miracle. She and her husband are children's pastors. She is a home-schooling mom. One of the sweetest people I have ever met. She is in hospice care as of this weekend. Prayer. A lot of it is needed. Her name is Nan.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was good. We spent it at my mother's. Pretty much everything was cooked before we got there and a little reheating needed.

Two of my sisters, one brother, one brother-in-law, and 2 nephews along with my Mom, her husband, myself, Talia and Skif.

It was really good to see my brother. I've now seen him twice in one week. That's more than I've seen him in the previous 6 months!!!

We got to play a few rounds of 313. And much talking going on.

Afterwards, my sister went to my brother's to pick up some slides and a slide projector that had belonged to my Daddy.

We spent about 4 hours going through all the slides. It was good to see these pictures. After my Daddy passed away, a lot of things like pictures seemed to have vanished. Most of the slides were from 81-early 83. There were pictures of my Pass-In-Review from bootcamp. Pictures of my first ex and I out shooting skeet. I was about the size of a pencil back then. There were also pictures of when I was a year old and my parents lived upstairs from the funeral home that my Dad worked in.

I told a friend about the pictures on Friday and she asked if I had gotten prayer for that. I said what? I never thought about the fact we lived above a funeral home for a couple years after I was born. Maybe it is something I need to look into. She also asked if my Dad was bi-polar. I have no idea. I know he was never the same man after my uncle was shot and killed in 1979.

Things to think on and pray over.