whew, long time

I know, I know. it's been a while. A long while.

Much has happened. School is out. I spent the last week of the school year in the hospital. Um yup.

I've been having really bad headaches for months. Little numbness in my hands every now and again. The last Monday in May, I tried to give blood but my blood pressure was 152/104. To say the least they wouldn't let me give. So I went ahead with the kids and went to the movies.

On Tuesday, I didn't feel right so I let my supervisor know and went to the emergency room. My B/P was 152/98 when I got there. I was having that pins and needle feeling in my left arm. The doctor had me put on a heart monitor and hooked to an iv for fluids. They pulled some blood. He seemed to think it was just my B/P until they got the blood test results back. Everything was normal except I had troponin in my blood. Troponin is only supposed to be in your blood if you have had a heart attack or are going to have a heart attack. So they admitted me to the hospital. The next day, I had a echocardiogram and a stress test. Both turned out normal and later that day they released me with no answer about the troponin levels.

On Thursday, I was getting ready for work when I had an intense pain across the center of my back. I thought geez, I really slept well to cause this much pain in my back. But the pain started getting worse, and then I started thinking women present for heart attacks in their back. I'm pretty sure I panicked because then I started feeling tightness in the chest. I dropped Chaz at school and called a friend to come and pick up Breezy from the hospital.

By the time I got to the ER, my B/P was 198/100. They pulled some blood again, started a heart monitor and iv. Again, there was troponin in my blood but everything else looked ok. I explained what was going on and they decided to send me to a local hospital via ambulance.

Off to the hospital I go. Thank goodness they don't run sirens when they transport someone like that. whew! Within 30 minutes of arriving at the hospital, the cardiologist on call had me in for a heart catheterization. Everything normal. He scheduled me for a CT scan at 5 a.m. the next morning. They slapped nitro patches on me and kept me on the heart monitor all night. Put me on blood pressure medications.

The next morning, the tech came in to take me for the CT scan. I was back in my room by 6. Then I waited. And waited and waited. The doctor never did show up. When I asked about him, I was told he hadn't made rounds of the floor yet. By the time they paged him and he returned the page, he was over 40 miles from Pensacola. He told them to release me, my tests were fine. Excuse me? Did I miss something? To say the least I was pissed.

A friend called someone at the hospital who worked there and she came to see me. They paged the doctor again. He finally called back and said he had the ER doctor write me a prescription for the blood pressure medications and that when he came to see me I was having a test done. Don't even get me started on that comment. I left the hospital over 12 hours after the CT scan with two prescriptions for the blood pressure medications. As I was being discharged, the nurse told me that my troponin levels were normal and had been since just after I arrived at the hospital the day before. Do you think maybe someone should have told me earlier?

I am grateful to God that I am ok. I'm 45 years old and now know that both my heart and lungs are in good condition. I am slowly losing weight (4 pounds already). I'm eatting better. Moving more. I thank God that I will be around for my children.

Last week, I went to a funeral for a friend's nephew. He was under 20 and had committed suicide. Wow! My heart goes out to the family for the unanswered questions left by his death. It was a tough funeral to attend. It was also the first funeral Chaz and Breezy have been to.

After the funeral, I called the kids dad to again encourage him to stay in contact with them. Let him know that they both have Facebook accounts with dozens of pictures. He told me they had trouble connecting to Facebook. (Only people I know with that particular problem.)

They have both had cell phones for 22 months and in all that time he has called 3 times total. I received an email the next day saying not to contact him any longer and if the kids wanted to talk to him that they could call.

How could you not want to keep contact with two of the most amazing kids ever? That's not just my opinion as a Mom. That is the report of everyone who works with them, mentors them, loves them. Amazing children. And I'm angry all over again at him.

So, I'm preparing a draft message to respond to him with. I'll save it. One of these days, I'll need it when they start asking questions. A friend is reviewing it with me to make sure I don't let my emotions override what needs to be said.

I also talked to that friend about what would happen if something happened to me. She told me that she and her husband had already discussed it. They would like the kids to come live with them. I talked to it with Breezy a little bit. She is good with that idea. I've not talked to Chaz about it. After we discuss it, I will be having my will prepared and select the executor of the estate.

Other than that, the last month and a half haven't been bad. I've taken a lot of pictures. I recently figured out how many I have posted on Facebook. Over 2000. One day I'd love to own a DSLR camera (with an autofocus mode too) to take better pictures. My daddy was a photographer on the side. He took beautiful pictures. My mother is a great photographer as well. This apple didn't fall too far from the tree. I'd love to take professional portrait photos, landscape, animals, whatever. Just let me take some pictures.



Saw Joshua Stevens, Steven Cochran and John Michael Montgomery in concert at the base with my sister. Incredible concert. Steven Cochran has quite the testimony. A tour in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was injured in Afghanistan and he said he woke up a month later at Bethesda. He said he was told he would never walk again. He's walking and talking and singing. God is good.

Ah, but Eli Stone was on last night. We watched. I still can't believe ABC canceled it. I'll be sending them another email. It was great!

Chaz and Breezy will be attending a youth conference at the church on Monday and Tuesday. Then Wednesday - Saturday they will be at a worship conference. They are pretty excited about it.

Today, they are spending time with friends out on the water. I thank God for the incredible mentors he has placed in their lives. People who care and show that they care.

I miss you Daddy.

home again

We've made it home. The kids are at friends' house already. I'm sitting at Martelli's enjoying some time on the net and coffee.

Christmas was good. The kids made out like bandits this year. Their aunt and uncle (my sister and brother) got together and got them both a $100 gift card. Breezy's to Old Navy and Chaz to American Eagle. We converted Breezy's to an Old Navy/Gap/Banana Republic card. Grandma and Grandpa gave them both a gift card to Best Buy. Another aunt gave Chaz an Itunes card to use with his Zune and Breezy a card to Claires. Last aunt gave Chaz some clothes and Breezy a couple snazzy little purses for Breezy. Last brother is taking them to the Senior Bowl on the 26th. This is the second year they get to go and they get to go to the meet and greet with the players before the game as well.

In February, they'll both get $150 each as well. Their dad sent money that we used on bills and Christmas so I give them the full amount when tax refund comes in. On top of that, I'll add another $50 so they'll get a little shopping done then. I'll send them with friends though. I'm not sure I can handle the mall any more!

I got a gift card to Martellis, Target, and Joanns. I gave the kids money to buy me gifts. They did well. Breezy picked out the awesome pottery I showed her at Cordova Mall and Chaz chose a set of plates in my favorite color from Target. They both visited the glass blower booth at the mall. One piece says Mom with a heart and rose and the other is a brightly colored rooster. What they didn't realize was I used to collected the little glass blown pieces and had given them all away several years ago when we didn't have room for them. So these are extra special. :o)

I played 313 against my sister yesterday and this morning. Final score? Me - 4 wins, Her - 10 wins. So to say the least, I've had my tail kicked at cards this week! LOL

And the funny part of Christmas was Sunday night. We've had our tree up for 2 weeks with just lights on it. Sunday night I went to the laundry room to get the decorations and found the bag of beads that has been missing for 7+ months!!! That bag of beads has been a running joke between Andrea and I for months. And now I find it!

I did make 2 bracelets, 1 anklet, 3 pairs of earrings and 3 necklaces in the last 2 days. The one I'm wearing is the boldest. It's got tiny seashells, orange, olive, and turquoise glass beads, wood beads, some coral, a few pewter beads, and some little tiny birds made from shell. I think it's the bomb-diggity. Andrea will laugh when she sees it. Those orange beads are another running joke between us.

The other two necklaces are 6 feet long. One in black and red using red coral, new picasso jasper, and black glass beads. The other is peace jade, amethyst, and glass beads. Both of these have little birds in them as well. I'm hoping to sell them both. My sister seems to think I need to charge $60 a piece for them. We'll see.

Last week was the 5 year anniversary of my divorce. February will mark the the end of 8th year I've been single parenting. It's been tough. Sometimes I get frustrated being alone. I feel majorily unappreciated. Other times, I'm very content to be a single parent. I don't have to deal with things other single parents have to deal with. You know, like the kids being at one parent's house one week and the other parent's house the next week. Two sets of rules. We have one set of rules. Mine.

I'm trying to raise my children to walk with God. He is the final authority on things in our house. If their dad was involved, then we'd have one house following God and one who's not. And in that house is an alcohol problem and a lack of respectfulness. I'm not sure I could deal with that. So I'm grateful for being alone in that way.

Still.... One day.

God, I am grateful for a year of new beginnings. A year of the new. A year of changes and things to come. I am grateful for my children, my family, my church family. I am grateful for a great job (even when I don't feel appreciated).

catching up....

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Couple things I had forgotten to post.

1. I've been saved 5 years today. God chose me first. I didn't chose him first. I have been reminded of this in the last couple weeks and it's true. While I know I have grown in my walk with God, I still feel I am missing alot. There are things I could do to help grow more but I let time slip through my fingers way too often. Thank you God for your mercy and grace.

2. I paid off my van last Saturday. Yes, the van that was nearly repossessed in February. Got the title. Thank you Lord.

3. Breezy and Chaz will be flying to WA/OR to see their Dad and his side of the family in a couple weeks and will be gone for 27 days. In 2001, they saw their Dad in England for a month. In 2002, they stayed with my sister for two weeks. Since then, the longest I have gone without seeing them has 3 days for Night of Joy at Disney and 2 days for ATF. They spend the night with friends regularly but that's not the same. This is a major step for me. Letting them go this time is hard. They are older. They will have access to stuff I know they shouldn't be seeing or partaking of. Prayer. A lot of it. Breezy and Chaz have been praying about visiting with their Dad for years. I know because a friend of mine who works with children and youth ministry has heard their prayer requests.

4. School gets out on Thursday. I'll be out for the last week of May and go back to work on the 4th of June. I'll be running a clinic for summer school.

5. There is a teacher at the school who I think is flirting with me. You know it's been a while since I've been out or flirted that I don't realize it until I walk away and think about it for 10-15 minutes. Duh. Flirting used to be a huge part of my life before I met the kid's Dad. After we separated in 2000, it became part of my life again. In 2002, I stopped flirting. Every now and then I catch myself and think man, what are you doing?

6. I get my glasses this week! YAHOO! I'll be able to read without fighting to focus!

7. I went to the beach yesterday for the first time in years (other than church picnics). I'm not particularly fond of sand but it was nice out and the kids wanted to go. They were with the "other Deb" and she called to say she'd take them. I ended up meeting them at the base. I got some great pictures of Breezy, a few of Chaz, and some super pics of the base lighthouse. You know, the one that they no longer do tours of? I'm glad we climbed it years ago.

8. Last but not least, se are praying for a friend at our church. The prognosis is not good. We are believing for a miracle. She and her husband are children's pastors. She is a home-schooling mom. One of the sweetest people I have ever met. She is in hospice care as of this weekend. Prayer. A lot of it is needed. Her name is Nan.

Easter Egging....
I first heard the term in 1982 used in reference to trouble shooting R-390's. R-390's had electron tubes and when trouble shooting, people would often just get a handful of the appropriate tubes and swap them out one at a time. If it didn't work after swapping out tube "A" replace the original tube "A" and try replacing tube "B" and so on until you find the tube that needed replaced.

This is how I feel a lot of people go about in their dating. When you get tired of "A" or have a disagreement that you don't think is worth resolving, let's give "B" a try. If "B" doesn't work out, let's see how we get along with "C."

And so, we go through our lives looking for the "perfect" fit. Our divorce rates are at the highest ever because it's so easy to divorce and not try, to give up, to find someone new.

In case you wonder, I speak from experience...

In Feb 1982 at 18, I married Steve. Against my Daddy's wishes and with little knowledge of what a marriage required. We knew each other less than 3 months. After nearly a month together on leave (vacation in the military), I moved to Pensacola and he remained in Orlando. We rarely saw each other. After a while, I wanted to have someone around and I'm pretty sure he wanted the same. I began dating in Pensacola and I fairly certain he did the same in Orlando. In August of the same year, my Daddy filed the divorce papers for me. The divorce became final in February 83.

I continued to date until I met Mike in early 85. We married in May 85 and transferred to Guam where he was assigned to a ship and I to shore duty. He spent a great deal of time at sea. Enough time that on his visit to Australia he met a woman there. As for how I know, letters and hotel bills are not things you should bring home with you if you want to stay married. I felt like I had been given a get out of jail free card. I told him I wanted a divorce and we separated. I started dating again. The divorce was final in January 87.

In June 88, I met the kid's dad. We lived together for almost 2 years before we married in May 90. In December 90, I transferred to Japan. He followed in February 91.

Most of the time, it was good. As long as we were drinking and partying, playing games (cribbage, cards, yahtzee), things were good. We did have a lot of good times together. It wasn't all bad.

But when conflict came along, I clammed up. I'm a fight or flight kind of person. Passive aggressive in the long run. For the most part, I would hold my anger. I'll hold it until weeks or even months later, it all came boiling out. By that time, it was never pretty.

Marriages need to be built on trust, friendship, love, having something in common. When they are built on drinking, having fun, sex, etc, they tend to fall apart after a while if nothing else ever comes into the picture.

Time spent together helps build relationships. Ours? In the first 8 years of marriage, he spent three-quarters of it at sea. How we ever managed to have children is beyond me sometimes. He'd come back from sea and we'd have to start all over again it seemed. Me to get used to him being home again and not being "in charge" and "mom and dad." Him back to "responsibility" of husband and father again. It was as hard for me to let go as for him to take up the reins again.

After a while, it got old. He'd be drinking, whether to forget or to party, it was all the same by then. Me? I'd find a book, party, spend money. The spending money part always added to the fray.

Letting go and allowing someone else to help wasn't an option. I didn't know how and I don't think he did either. Counseling didn't help. You have to be willing to admit there was a problem in the first place. I knew there was a problem, I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We moved to England in June of 99. For the first time in my life I felt isolated. No friends, no transportation, two children at home who I had no idea of what to do with. I felt I was losing myself to the insanity. I slipped into depression and then bi-polar/manic depression.

I thought I could hold it together. I tried to hold it together. You can't do it by yourself. And slowly, it finished slipping away.

I gave up. I told him I wanted to leave. I told him I was taking the children with me. And we left. February 27th, 2000, the kids and I got on a plane back to the states.

I didn't look back. I was through. There had to be more than what I was living.

I can't say that it's been better all the time. In fact, things were hard a lot of the time. Things were different and strange. The divorce was final in December 2004. Just the kids and I.

As I let God come in, He has changed me, transformed me, taken me to a place I didn't know I had in me. I no longer have to be dating someone or married to someone to be complete. He is my provider. He is my strength. He has been my comfort. He brought us to a place where we are loved for who we are, not for what we can do for someone else.

He is taking me, us to a new place. And one day, He will send the right man, to be a husband, a father. Not necessarily when I feel the time is right but when He says it's right. Until that time, we are ok and that's good enough for me.

I'm through easter egging.

Edited: I attempted to email this post yesterday but it did not show up. I'm adding it with the appropriate time on it.